Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I hate this!

I really really do! I have had enough!
I miss Brandon and I want him home - now!

T0day in the hospital he did not even open his eyes for 10 seconds. He did not even have the strength to speak one sentence. Yet when I am there at least I am with him...at least there is some semblance of 'we are together'.

But then I come home and it sucks! Of course it is great to see the kids. When they are up there is reason to smile, to laugh. Today I caught Dana opening the pantry and feeding Koby Cheerios one at a time. These are my moments of joy. And they are great but...

Brandon should be here to smile with me; Brandon should be here to read Dana her story. to make Koby giggle. to make Dana her dunky egg in the morning, to veg with me on the couch and complain about shows on repeat, to warm up my feet that are always ice cold, and to go to bed with at night. He should be here to comfort me when I wake up with nightmares, and help when Koby wakes up at 3am.

This is SHIT! TOTAL SHIT!

We had a date night planned for tomorrow - just the 2 of us - dinner and a movie. Not a big deal but time for just the 2 of us to spend together. Were we asking too much?!?!?!?

I want him home, with me and the kids - like he promised he always would be.
I am angry and sad and just plain pissed off - because this is NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!

I want to rewind and change this; I want to wake up; I want it to go away and leave us alone. Because we do not deserve this - not Brandon, me or the kids.

Enough!!!!! Enough!!!!

5 comments:

  1. Taly, you are completely entitled to feel this way. I spent many years with a partner who suffered from Cancer. One day you will be full of hope and joy, the next day you will be angry and sad. The day after that you will only think about how unfair this all is....All of your emotions are EXPECTED!! They are all REAL.
    You are a strong woman and Brandon is a strong man. Together you WILL get through this. Remember....this is all part of your path that leads to even greater strength, health and happiness. Im thiking about you guys all the time.
    Marci

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  2. Tal - one week of Chemo is done. He is on the way to kill the evil demon!
    Let Dana and Koby bring you happiness and enjoy those moments with them. Brandon will get better and have many more great moments with all of you...it is just a matter of time.

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  3. In every fairy tale there is a period of separation - sometimes days, sometimes years.

    Tal, I don't know if you remember the Princess Bride (my favourite movie of all time), but one of the major themes was that, with a little faith, the outcome you believe in will eventually come to pass - from Inigo Montoya's confrontation of the six-fingered man (My name is Inigo Montoya. You keeled my fahder. Preepare to die.) to "My Wesley will come for me".

    The problem with faith is that it's heavy to carry. Hanging on to it may be the hardest thing you ever do. Sometimes, like yesterday, it will seem impossible. That's what we're here for - to shore up your faith and to keep it for you when you are frustrated and tired and angry and have had enough of the s*** life is throwing at you.

    I'm so glad you wrote this post. While the relief of getting it all down on paper may only be temporary; maybe, just maybe, you can pass that burden on to us for a little while - knowing that it's being held safely while you do what's healthy and just...vent.

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  4. You have every right to be angry because it is NOT fair. I hope that Brendon comes home soon and we continue to pull for you both from afar.

    Lots of hugs.

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  5. Not a single day goes by without having Brandon in our thoughts. We greatly appreciate you letting us into your life by sharing your deepest and most personal feelings in this blog. You are entitled to feel, say or scream whatever or whenever your heart desires.

    Please give Brandon our love.
    Ryan, Naomi, & Jordyn Gerstel

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