Friday, December 18, 2009

I may have created some havoc....

Thank you to everyone who have responded so quickly and with so much love!!!

Just to be completely transparent, we are not really up for calls or visits (definitely not) at this time.

Brandon is really sick and for the next 3 weeks he has no immune system.

Also, he has not slept at all so my concern is that a ringing or vibrating phone will wake him as he finally dozes off.

Emails and comments to blog are great!!!

Hope you all understand.

Day 2 of chemo complete.
The wicked witch is melting.
The prince is quite injured but continuing to fight...
and the princess waits...

This blog

As I lay awake on Monday night, alone in my huge king size bed, eyes red and swollen, I felt like I had to write...to someone....to no one. Somehow these things in my head needed to get out there. And so I looked through the Internet for some chat group. But I don't want to chat, I just want to write.

A blog seemed like the perfect vehicle.

To be brutally honest - this blog is for selfish reasons only.

I am not writing to provide an update to family and friends - though I am sure the many that love Brandon will read this to find out what is going on.

I am not writing to help others going through something similar - though if it helps then that's great.

I am not writing to get sympathy or help - though I am interested in people's own thoughts and reactions.

I am not writing to chronicle things for the kids - Brandon can tell them this story himself when they are in their 40's.

So here's what you can expect - nothing. If that is harsh, then I do not apologize. Because this is for me and Brandon...and nobody else.

My plan is to write when I want/feel/need to, about what I want/feel/need to. I am sure that some days there will be many posts, other days there may be none. Some will be sad, some angry and some emotionless. I hope that the majority are happy. Brandon will write too if he ever wants to. If not, that's fine.

And that's the way it will be. Because that's what we need right now.

Don't get me wrong, we appreciate everyone's love, prayers and support. Please do not stop caring and reaching out to us. We love you and we need you.

I just don't want this blog to become something I have to keep up, I want it to remain true to my heart, and right now my heart can't make any more promises than to love my family completely.

Welcome to our fairytale.

Welcome to hell!

For those who are joining this without the background story- here is the horrible, ugly, unbelievable last few weeks....

About a month ago Brandon started feeling sick. Headaches, stomach pains, tired, coughing. He had just started a new job (different hell) so the fatigue and headaches were easily explained. The other symptoms were - well - signs of the same cold Dana and I had. But Brandon's didn't go away. His headache and cough got worse and he started throwing up nightly. He would also wake up in the middle of the night soaking wet.

Oh no! He must have a really serious flu, possibly H1N1? But even that flu disappears eventually...

We went to Montreal last weekend, went to the Habs centennial celebration on Friday night ... and on Saturday Brandon was so sick he did not get out of bed. Some birthday celebration for me!!! Ok, H1N1 is serious, so we went to a clinic. A quick look in his throat, some antibiotics and "you should be fine in a few days".

This past Monday Brandon came home in the middle of the day, exhausted. At about 4pm he asked me for the thermometer. When it read 40 degrees we decided to go to the hospital.

One blood test later and our world fell out from under us....

"Your white blood cells, which should be between 4 and 11, are 182. Usually when we see numbers like this it is a sign of..."

She was not really going to say it, was she?

Brandon beat her to the punch "cancer?"

"yes"

Not possible. This had to be a mistake, someone else's blood, an idiot technician.....millions of explanations.

But the next morning it was confirmed.

Leukemia.

Quick rush to Princess Margaret hospital, 18 tubes of blood drained from my beautiful husband, and bone marrow extracted from his hip.

Welcome to hell....your trip is about to begin.

Once upon a time...

...there was a handsome Prince named Brandon and a Princess named Taly. They married and had two beautiful children - Dana (now 3) and Koby (now 1). The family had a lovely home that was full of happiness, laughter and lots of love. They enjoyed every moment together, and looked forward to a future filled with adventure, romance and continued love.

*********

Every night I read bedtime stories to my 3 year old daughter Dana. Her favorites are the fairytales. She can name every princess and recite each of their adventures. I think she finds them comforting - the beginning, the patterns and the ending.

There are several story elements she can count on to be true...

1. They always start with "Once upon a time"
2. There is a beautiful princess and a handsome prince
3. At some point that evil witch/fairy queen shows her ugly face
4. That evil character IS defeated
5. The prince and princess come together
6. The last sentence is undoubtedly "and they lived happily ever after"

Now here I sit at Princess Margaret hospital, at 1:42 on Friday December 18th, watching my Brandon fight his own blood, and I count on these same elements to be true.

And so I will follow the rules of the game...start this story with "once upon a time", understand that the evil witch is lurking and will attack.....and believe (and wish, and pray and hope with my whole being) that the last sentence will be as it should be.