Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I hate this!

I really really do! I have had enough!
I miss Brandon and I want him home - now!

T0day in the hospital he did not even open his eyes for 10 seconds. He did not even have the strength to speak one sentence. Yet when I am there at least I am with him...at least there is some semblance of 'we are together'.

But then I come home and it sucks! Of course it is great to see the kids. When they are up there is reason to smile, to laugh. Today I caught Dana opening the pantry and feeding Koby Cheerios one at a time. These are my moments of joy. And they are great but...

Brandon should be here to smile with me; Brandon should be here to read Dana her story. to make Koby giggle. to make Dana her dunky egg in the morning, to veg with me on the couch and complain about shows on repeat, to warm up my feet that are always ice cold, and to go to bed with at night. He should be here to comfort me when I wake up with nightmares, and help when Koby wakes up at 3am.

This is SHIT! TOTAL SHIT!

We had a date night planned for tomorrow - just the 2 of us - dinner and a movie. Not a big deal but time for just the 2 of us to spend together. Were we asking too much?!?!?!?

I want him home, with me and the kids - like he promised he always would be.
I am angry and sad and just plain pissed off - because this is NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!

I want to rewind and change this; I want to wake up; I want it to go away and leave us alone. Because we do not deserve this - not Brandon, me or the kids.

Enough!!!!! Enough!!!!

Communications 101

In first year business school we had to take a communications class (biggest waste of time). But I do remember some basic guidelines:

  • Repetition – repeat, repeat, repeat but be honest and genuine about the meaning, substance, and relevance of your communication. Repetition is useless without genuine sincerity.
  • Use as many different communication methods as possible, and on an ongoing basis – be creative.

Based on the huge response to Brandon's illness, I think that whatever higher power is watching over us SHOULD at some point SOON say "OK, I get the message".

  • Doug (our friend in Budapest), has over 1300 Born Again Christians from all over the world praying for Brandon
  • Kate (in Vancouver) has her mom's Anglican church praying
  • Osy (my sister) has her friend praying at the Western Wall in Jerusalem
  • Osy also has other friends in Toronto synagogues praying
  • Our Rabbi at Beth Tzedec has 4000 Jews praying for Brandon
  • Over 200 of our friends and family are personally praying for Brandon's health
  • We even have a former Buddhist monk doing his part

So please please please, "fairy godmother", wherever you are, grant our wish (only one) and let Brandon beat this dragon and come home strong, healthy and moving forward.

AMEN

Dec 23 numbers

Hgb - 83
Platelets - 9 (he is getting a transfusion today)
WBC - 0.2

Tired again today but he showered in the morning.
Starting to bruise pretty badly all over his body.
Palm of his hands and bottoms of his feet are red and swollen and painful - may start to peel next.

The nurse said the next 10 days will be awful.
He's fighting but so tired...