Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Good Cop, Bad Cop

One of the toughest things about going through this with Brandon is finding my own balance between "supportive understanding partner" and "insistent, hard-assed nurse Ratchett".

On one hand I see how much he is suffering, how weak he is, how the small act of sitting up exhausts him. So I want him to rest, sleep and not do anything but let me take care of him....

On the other hand he needs to get out of bed and start walking, eat even though he doesn't want to, put eye drops in even though it is uncomfortable....

When I take on the tougher role he gets angry and upset. He becomes frustrated, plays the guilt card and even gets mean (raising voices is just something we don't do with each other). And I feel bad because the last thing he needs is anger and frustration - he is already going through so much.
Don't get me wrong - I don't take his response personally at all. I know he loves me more than anything.

But he does need to eat and get up and walk around if he is to recover properly. So if I don't say anything am I not actually doing harm? Should I not push him because that is the right thing to do? Even if I hate it? Even if I hate what it does to him? These are the moments I wish I could use the same argument I do with Dana - "because I said so, and if you don't you can't have the cookie." But that's just not going to work in this instance.

So I struggle every day to choose my moments, to gauge his mood, to balance my approach.

I just want him to fight and get better. He wants that more than anything as well. He tells me he is fighting and I believe him. But the urge to push just a bit harder is always there. And the urge to comfort and console is always there.

It is an inner struggle that I go through....and his mom goes through it with me. And we WILL do whatever it takes to get our Brandon home.

So I apologize Brandon for those moments when I get pushy, for the moments you want me out of the room....but I will do it anyway - because I love you - that much!

Sometimes words are not adequate...

Dec 26 photo - a "good" day...

Visit with the kids - Today (Dec 29)