Today is the first day that I am not at the hospital with Brandon - and I hate it. I feel like I am missing something so important - What if he needs something? What if he is not feeling well? Who is going to be there to understand his grimaces that mean different things? Who will ask the Dr. questions when he makes his rounds? Who will ensure he puts his eye drops in? I don't even know the numbers today!!!
And I am angry - angry at everything that is keeping me away from him right now:
- Dana wanted mommy to dress her and eat breakfast with her
- I had to drive Dana to school, and then she did not want me to leave
- I have to sit at home for hours while a new furnace is installed
- I have to get back to work, reach out to clients, complete projects
- Groceries need to be bought
- Errands need to be run
Please know that I love my daughter with all my heart, and I know that she needs me now more than ever, and I know she misses daddy. I am NOT angry with her AT ALL, but at the tasks that need to be completed to get her on some routine.
I also know that the furnace needs to be fixed...but why now?
I also know that I have to get back to work. I have responsibilities and clients there that are important. And we need the income. (As my boss reads this now I hope she understands)
But with all these "life responsibilities" my heart is elsewhere. It is at Princess Margaret Hospital with my husband. I know I can't be there with him all the time, but I want to be there.
And so I begin my juggling act - hospital, home, work, errands, finances, carpools, groceries, play time, bed time, mealtime.....
and it is hard.
and I am angry.