Sunday, February 28, 2010

"When things are back to normal...."

Yesterday Koby got his first haircut, so we pulled out the video camera.

And I realized - Last time we used the camera was before...
before everything.

And I'll be honest, it was tough - to video happy moments, to tape Brandon bald. Not sure why. I think part of it was the desire to get past this without any visible proof that this has happened. We have taken pictures, but they were all to document the physical changes that Brandon went through and to share them with others who could not see him in person. The only other picture we took with Brandon was the one when he was skating with Dana.

So since November we have no family shots, no video. And that is sad. Because we are missing moments, missing the opportunity to capture incredible memories. Because within those memories will always be 'signs' of the horror that was going on at the same time.

The same thing happened when I was sick during my pregnancy with Koby. There are virtually no pictures of that time. I remember that Brandon once brought the camera to the hospital and wanted to take a picture. My response was "I don't want to remember this." But now we have nothing to show our son when he is older.

"When things are back to normal...."
  • we will take pictures
  • we will video the kids
  • we will go on vacation
  • we will talk about furnishing the house
  • ......

If anything, this nightmare should teach us to grab on to every moment and take full advantage of it. I do believe we are doing that - Brandon is committed to life as usual when he feels well. But I guess part of me wants this in the past, I want to forget, and I want pictures to talk of the good times, without the undercurrent of cancer in every shot.

Something for me to work on.