Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Reality Bites...HARD

Tomorrow Brandon goes back into the hospital, to get the s*** kicked out of him, for 4-6 weeks, with the hope that we will never EVER have to deal with this cancer again.



I hate it! I love it! I dread it, and I thank God that we are here.



Last time Brandon was admitted he was so sick, so weak, so desparate for relief that it was an easy trip to make. But this time it is so odd - he is feeling GREAT - playing hockey, out for a run, working, playing with the kids. Things are back to normal, and now we are heading back into "hell mode".



The thought of what he is about to go through makes me sick to my stomach - chemo, total body iradiation, steroids, immunosuppression drugs, isolation from the kids....and this is all ASIDE from the transplant itself and the myriad of complications we had to sign off on last week.



I pray and wish with everything I am that this is behind us quickly.



I hate that he will be away from home again, that he will be separated from the kids, that the bed will be empty. I love my life with my husband and I want it back.



On the weekend we took the kids to the mall - Dana wanted money to throw into the fountain. "Make a wish" we told her. "I wish daddy feels better". Of course Brandon and I started to tear up - couldn't give her enough kisses :)



Yesterday Brandon wrote 'just in case' letters for me and the kids. To be opened if... I am looking forward to the day when he reads them at their weddings. Until then I never want to lay eyes on them.



My brave prince - worried about me and the kids; cooking me a special dinner tonight; ready to battle for his life.



I love you Brandon more than anything. WE will beat this. You are the strongest person I know and we will move on after this. And in 5 years we will celebrate your cancer-free status and our 10th anniversary - looking forward to the party!